Been away for awhile. I just started a new job and it has demanded much of me in terms of out of town work and the hours required for each contract. It is a very good turn of events for my family and myself however in terms of my ability to provide and improve the quality of life we experience. So I guess I will say patience has paid off for me and faith played no small role.
I did experience a very profound event that put perspective on all I endure and all those who I hold close and dear. Yesterday, Friday, June 22, 2012. I arrived home from being away for three weeks and not even five minutes after walking through the front door, I was hit with the most frightening asthma attack of my life.
Now, I have had attacks prior to this and they are nothing to shrug off as an inconvienience. Usually, it is preceded by a short cough or a scratch felt in the back of the throat. Then a sudden spasm and shutting of the airway relating to inhaling any air. Oh, I can exhale all day but as far as drawing in a breath, forget it. So, I try to slowly inhale anything I can get in the most calm and controlled way I can until things get desperate. It's like my body says, "How long can you hold your breath Mark?". Well, when it gets to the point that I think my body will get it's answer, I begin to panic. I search for a person so they can witness my predictament and then my passing out so they can call 911 or begin CPR. Although it gets close, it never arrives to that point. I usually gain enough control to slowly come back. I have nebulizers and borrowed spiriva from my sister but no inhalers as of late due to my lack of having health insurance during my run of unemployment. They serve to keep the attacks at bay for the most part and I don't experience them frequently, maybe 2 or 3 a year with minor episodes sprinkled in due to over exertion. But this attack came on suddenly and without mercy. I sat down to chat with my boys after walking through the front door and dropping my luggage. I felt a scratch at the back of my throat and thought a swig from my sons gatorade would do the trick but before I could place it to my lips it became a full fledged attack. My oldest knew what was happening and quickly set up the nebulizer with albuterol. I sat down to take the treatment but quickly discovered it wasn't going to work. "How long can you hold your breath, Mark?". I felt time was getting short. I did the "cut it off" signal to my son by swiping my four fingers in front of my throat. As I did, my wife called 911, and I stood up in a panic and paced across the room frantically beating my thighs with my fists trying to get my act together. Now I was scared. "Is this it?", I thought. "Are the lights going to go out?". I began this desperate wheezing sound trying to suck in anything, any molecule of air I could find. I turned around and my neighbor was in my face with her inhaler after being alerted by my eleven year old to come quick. Three puffs quickly hit my throat and before I could feel the effect the room was full of EMT's. Eight of em. It was as if they jumped out of a clown car on the front porch. Immediately I was put on liquid oxygen and placed on a stretcher. "Whoa!", I thought, "This is serious shit!". I knew things had to get better but I wasn't out of the woods. Things were still a struggle and my chest was aching for air and release. Placed on a gurney and quickly rolled to the ambulance, they placed me inside and as I heard my vitals being mentioned over a radio mic, I was hit with an EPIPEN while monitors were attached to my thighs and chest.
What a surreal scene it was as I was quickly taken to DePaul Hospital for my first ride in an ambulance. I laid there and thought how quick this had all happened and how unannounced it was. How scared I had become and how my mind was saying "I can't even tell them "I love you.", I can't even speak.". I also thought, "People die from this don't they? Will I be one?". I mean, I have a respect for asthma and I know it can kick you into the dirt quite quickly but I had never been on the ropes this hard.
All of it made me very aware of my own mortality and the rudeness of dibilitating conditions not announcing their intentions to make a visit. During days of good health we all think about the future, next week, next year, tomorrow, lunch, dinner, plans. But really all we have is this moment in time. This very second that I am using to share my life with you. The thoughts, feelings, fears, and experiences of my life. How am I going to live it? Yin and Yang. Black dog, White dog. Right and wrong. Good and bad. Uplifting or denegrating. Loving or hating. Forgiving or resenting. Yada yada. But is it really yada yada? So insignificant that we should take it for granted? Not for me. I try to be light hearted but also aware of serious matters. I try to forgive because it hurts no one but me to resent. But that's who I am or how I see myself. I know there are times I am insensitive, misunderstood, and stubborn. Short tempered or ignorant. Prideful or arrogant. Impulsive or selfcentered. Condescending or patronizing. I know. I see it in my actions, my words, my thoughts, my behaviors. I have this ideal of who I am in my own eyes and I also have this conscience that constantly reminds me I am nowhere near that ideal. I wear my heart on my sleeve at times and I am not reluctant to express my inner thoughts and feelings. I want to progress not digress. Life is so short. "You are nothing but a mist." says the scripture. We must learn to live each moment like it counts. Not in some rushed and urgent way to find true meaning to life to the point where simple leisure and calm meditation cannot coexist with purpose and action. But instead in a way where your life reflects love and understanding more than it does hate and ignorance. Forgivenes and reflection more than resentment and stubborn ways. Moments where you can state your opinion yet come to see it from anothers perspective. A way to express who you are in ways that serve to enlighten the world you come into contact with rather than leave it wondering what your point was in the first place. There are more lessons to learn than give. More things to take in than to express. I am open to all of this. Take nothing for granted. NOTHING. Always let people know they are appreciated and respected. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't play games. Make your word count.
I have been visited by a great dose of perspective. I thank God for it and I hope my experience has given you pause and perspective in your own lives. I write this selfishly for my own benefit and ego. I love to share my thoughts and I love to think people care and want to read them. It's who I am. I am humble yet simultaneously prideful. I am human. I am Mark and this is how Sumner sees it. I am grateful for every one who reads this and thinks it worth their time. After all, we all want to be liked and loved and appreciated and we want to be remembered with good thoughts. Not every person is cursed as a sociopath. We do have feelings, needs, and opinions. I apologize for my hiatus but I felt like sharing today. Thanks for reading this far and God bless.
I did experience a very profound event that put perspective on all I endure and all those who I hold close and dear. Yesterday, Friday, June 22, 2012. I arrived home from being away for three weeks and not even five minutes after walking through the front door, I was hit with the most frightening asthma attack of my life.
Now, I have had attacks prior to this and they are nothing to shrug off as an inconvienience. Usually, it is preceded by a short cough or a scratch felt in the back of the throat. Then a sudden spasm and shutting of the airway relating to inhaling any air. Oh, I can exhale all day but as far as drawing in a breath, forget it. So, I try to slowly inhale anything I can get in the most calm and controlled way I can until things get desperate. It's like my body says, "How long can you hold your breath Mark?". Well, when it gets to the point that I think my body will get it's answer, I begin to panic. I search for a person so they can witness my predictament and then my passing out so they can call 911 or begin CPR. Although it gets close, it never arrives to that point. I usually gain enough control to slowly come back. I have nebulizers and borrowed spiriva from my sister but no inhalers as of late due to my lack of having health insurance during my run of unemployment. They serve to keep the attacks at bay for the most part and I don't experience them frequently, maybe 2 or 3 a year with minor episodes sprinkled in due to over exertion. But this attack came on suddenly and without mercy. I sat down to chat with my boys after walking through the front door and dropping my luggage. I felt a scratch at the back of my throat and thought a swig from my sons gatorade would do the trick but before I could place it to my lips it became a full fledged attack. My oldest knew what was happening and quickly set up the nebulizer with albuterol. I sat down to take the treatment but quickly discovered it wasn't going to work. "How long can you hold your breath, Mark?". I felt time was getting short. I did the "cut it off" signal to my son by swiping my four fingers in front of my throat. As I did, my wife called 911, and I stood up in a panic and paced across the room frantically beating my thighs with my fists trying to get my act together. Now I was scared. "Is this it?", I thought. "Are the lights going to go out?". I began this desperate wheezing sound trying to suck in anything, any molecule of air I could find. I turned around and my neighbor was in my face with her inhaler after being alerted by my eleven year old to come quick. Three puffs quickly hit my throat and before I could feel the effect the room was full of EMT's. Eight of em. It was as if they jumped out of a clown car on the front porch. Immediately I was put on liquid oxygen and placed on a stretcher. "Whoa!", I thought, "This is serious shit!". I knew things had to get better but I wasn't out of the woods. Things were still a struggle and my chest was aching for air and release. Placed on a gurney and quickly rolled to the ambulance, they placed me inside and as I heard my vitals being mentioned over a radio mic, I was hit with an EPIPEN while monitors were attached to my thighs and chest.
What a surreal scene it was as I was quickly taken to DePaul Hospital for my first ride in an ambulance. I laid there and thought how quick this had all happened and how unannounced it was. How scared I had become and how my mind was saying "I can't even tell them "I love you.", I can't even speak.". I also thought, "People die from this don't they? Will I be one?". I mean, I have a respect for asthma and I know it can kick you into the dirt quite quickly but I had never been on the ropes this hard.
All of it made me very aware of my own mortality and the rudeness of dibilitating conditions not announcing their intentions to make a visit. During days of good health we all think about the future, next week, next year, tomorrow, lunch, dinner, plans. But really all we have is this moment in time. This very second that I am using to share my life with you. The thoughts, feelings, fears, and experiences of my life. How am I going to live it? Yin and Yang. Black dog, White dog. Right and wrong. Good and bad. Uplifting or denegrating. Loving or hating. Forgiving or resenting. Yada yada. But is it really yada yada? So insignificant that we should take it for granted? Not for me. I try to be light hearted but also aware of serious matters. I try to forgive because it hurts no one but me to resent. But that's who I am or how I see myself. I know there are times I am insensitive, misunderstood, and stubborn. Short tempered or ignorant. Prideful or arrogant. Impulsive or selfcentered. Condescending or patronizing. I know. I see it in my actions, my words, my thoughts, my behaviors. I have this ideal of who I am in my own eyes and I also have this conscience that constantly reminds me I am nowhere near that ideal. I wear my heart on my sleeve at times and I am not reluctant to express my inner thoughts and feelings. I want to progress not digress. Life is so short. "You are nothing but a mist." says the scripture. We must learn to live each moment like it counts. Not in some rushed and urgent way to find true meaning to life to the point where simple leisure and calm meditation cannot coexist with purpose and action. But instead in a way where your life reflects love and understanding more than it does hate and ignorance. Forgivenes and reflection more than resentment and stubborn ways. Moments where you can state your opinion yet come to see it from anothers perspective. A way to express who you are in ways that serve to enlighten the world you come into contact with rather than leave it wondering what your point was in the first place. There are more lessons to learn than give. More things to take in than to express. I am open to all of this. Take nothing for granted. NOTHING. Always let people know they are appreciated and respected. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't play games. Make your word count.
